My Husband & I No Longer Sleep In The Same Bed (2025)

Two practices to find what works for you for the season of life you are in.

Just because you are making something work, doesn’t mean it’s actually working. Sometimes we need to make the most of a situation and work around real resource constraints or cultural limitations. And sometimes we are making things work just because that’s the way we think things should be done, that’s the way they have always been done, or we are afraid of what people might think if we choose to do something unconventional.

Part of my work with clients is to help them bring about creative solutions that are so beautiful and specifically right for whatever season of their lives they are in and to teach them how to regulate themselves around the process of change. This could span from things like infusing pleasure into their lives and reconnecting with their bodies after having a baby, to shifting the way they navigate major life transitions like taking care of aging parents, or dealing with messy household separations.

There are two practices that I have woven into my own life and the way I teach to bolster my flexibility when coming up with or implementing a new idea:

One. I am willing to be misunderstood.

Two. Everything is an experiment and I can always change my mind.

Last year, my husband David and I made an unconventional decision to sleep in separate beds. In fact, for this particular season of our lives, we don’t sleep in the same room. I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t worried about what people would think. Would they think our marriage wasn’t great? Or that our sex life was boring?

Adopting the practice of “being willing to be misunderstood” reminds me that it’s not my job to manage other people’s perceptions of me and my choices. It may feel uncomfortable when faced with people’s reactions — I notice the constriction that comes with feeling someone’s comment or perceived judgment — and then I practice relaxing and opening around the discomfort, holding the parts of me that feel judged. Overexplaining ourselves or justifying our choices can be a trauma response. Sitting with the discomfort of others not understanding my choices and not jumping in to explain myself expands my capacity to stand in my own choices even when they are not understood by others.

David and I have never been incredibly compatible sleepers. He likes a really firm bed, I like a really soft bed. I read at night to go to sleep and the light annoys him. I snooze my alarm a million times before actually getting out of bed. He tosses and turns like he’s doing ninja warrior training in his sleep and then I wake him up because he is moving- and then he yells at me “I wasn’t moving, why did you wake me up!” Fun for all as you can see!

We can feel stuck in our limitations if we are only looking at what has been done before or what is socially acceptable. Bringing forth a curious mindset — looking at things as an experiment that can be changed or modified at any time can help to crack the edges of a rigid way of thinking about our options and let some light shine through.

Over the course of nearly 9 years of sleeping in the same bed, we have tried a lot of things to work around our differences. We even got an expensive customized king bed with dual comfort zones- firm for him, soft for me. Last year something shifted for me and I wasn’t sleeping well at all. My nervous system was a little frazzled and I would wake up at the slightest sound or movement. Every time I would just make it back to sleep he would move and it would startle me awake. After only sleeping 2 hours a night for about a week I felt like a torture victim. In a fit of tears, I asked him to sleep in his office and I finally got some sleep.

He had been asking me for a couple of years to sleep in separate beds but I was really resistant even though I had a secret desire to try this unconventional idea as well. Even though it wasn’t really working for us, I was quite stubborn about making the change — I wanted the comfort, intimacy, and nervous system regulation of sleeping next to my partner. I was worried we would miss beautiful moments of intimacy, sexual or nonsexual. He kept reminding me that it was just an experiment and that if we didn’t like it, we can make another shift — we are never stuck, and we will learn something from this experiment that can help us craft the next experiment.

My goodness, it turns out the only thing I regret is not trying this sooner!

What it actually did was allow us to get a restful night of sleep so we were more resourced for the day. We no longer affect each other’s sleep and it became easier to pinpoint other sleep problems that we used to blame on each other. It has also brought me in touch with moments when I leaned on David for regulation when I needed to be giving that to myself. It is yet another thing that has brought us closer — coming up with solutions that are good for our ecosystem feel incredibly nourishing to our relationship. And come on- who doesn’t enjoy taking up the ENTIRE bed and not fighting over the covers?

Let’s get down to the question you really want the answer to: How does this affect our sex life? First, let me say that being well-rested makes sex even better and more appealing, for sure! Second, sex does not begin in the bedroom, it is alive in the eroticism of every waking moment. We like to joke that Esther Perel would be proud of us because by doing this we have created space between us where yearning and desire can be brought forth. We miss and crave each other. There is mystery and spontaneity and that is a very sexy thing.

“Eroticism is not sex per se, but the qualities of vitality, curiosity, and spontaneity that make us feel alive.” — Esther Perel

I’ve shared this with some of my clients as an example of choosing to do something outside the box that works for you even though it may go against cultural norms. This reaches far beyond our sleep situations and can be an opportunity to reflect on what’s working or not working in our lives.

• If you take a look around at the things in your life that are not working optimally, what could use a bit of modification?
• Is a linear or conventional way of thinking about it blocking the possibility of finding a creative solution that works for you and your family?
• Could your sex life/work life/parenting be re-imagined so you could be truly nourished?
• If you were to make just one shift in your life that would have the most impact, what would it be if you approached it with the willingness to experiment and be misunderstood?

It’s also worth noting that since making this decision we’ve discovered that we know many other couples who sleep in separate beds or rooms and it also works beautifully for them. I’ve coached several people who have shifted their sleeping arrangements based on their current needs — a kid not sleeping well, a partner going through a health issue or navigating living in a home that’s smaller than the needs of the dwellers. So, perhaps you may come to find that the thing that you think may be outside of the box is really just a perfect solution to an outdated situation and by exploring alternatives you give others permission to live their lives from the lens of what works rather than what’s been done.

I’d love to know if what I shared here resonates. Let me know in the comments below what comes up for you as you read this post. If you know anyone who would benefit from reading this post, then feel free to share it and if you feel called to, join my mailing here to receive my newsletter which includes practical practices, free resources, exclusive invitations, and tools to support your journey of transformation and living into your full authentic expression.